8 Bit Emanicipation has arrived

I went out for a walk today to the bank before the snow hits and when I got back home, there was a massively massive package waiting for me from Championland. So, I did what any pre-pubescent 28 year old boy would do, and ran up the stairs to my room to start playing with Pixel Lincoln.

Please note that from here on forward are spoilers and can be considered a walk-through and counts as cheating. only move forward if you wish to disappoint yourself. In the meantime, here is a picture of Gladdys Knight and the Pips:
Ok, now that your ready, here we go. Pixel Lincoln, in case you didn't know, is a side scrolling card game developed by J of Championland (JTagmire at NWWBW) and has been met with rave reviews and takes advantage of some of the most cutting edge game engines out there. Looking through the box, and reading over the instruction manual (yes, there is one), game play is pretty straight forward, and I'll explain as we play. so we fire this baby up and heres what we see:
We have our first level loaded, as well as our life cards, and our dice (we will be using neon yellow today). and now that we have the stage set, lets go ahead and begin
I hope it doesn't do that every time
ok, here we go, first screen. We start the level in our time traveling log cabin (maybe, I might just be making that bit up) and it looks like we have a parachuting cat with a machine gun coming right at us. So...lets roll the dice and move
The way the game works is that you roll a dice and move accordingly, but always to the right. If something gets in your way, you (try to) jump on it, naturally. I rolled a 2, so I'll move right under the parachuting cat. Jerk.

Ok, so now I rolled a 4. You are not supposed to flip the next card until you reach it, but for the sake of journalism, I used a cheat to get a better shot. As it turns out, its a good thing because we have a...shark with a lazer on his head? how the hell am I going to get past this?

As luck would have it, a 4 is exactly what I need to jump the shark (aaayyy!). Jumping is done by moving diagonally up and to the right, followed by coming straight down. You can only jump if you have something in your way, and you can't stay in the air (meaning if you need a 4 to jump the shark, but you roll a three, you are stupid and get eaten by the shark and start the level over again). Ok, so I beat the shark, whats next? Roll the dice and...
A 6!!! Thats amazing!! I'm throwing rocks tonight! but whats that in the distance?

Oh crap, its a 2-headed cow! but watch this sweet move:

HAHA, I rule!
Rolled a 5 and...ah hell no, I hate that duck. He's killed me last time I played



ok, well here we go anyways

ha, fuck you duck. Rolled a 5, and....
Past one lazer-shark, and heres another. Rolled a 4, so 1 jump, 2 down, 3, 4 forward....
Shit.

BOOP-BOOP-BO-BOOOOOOP

Well, its working J, just like my old Nintendo memories. I'm ready to throw it across the room because it isn't fair. That hillbilly on a pig came out of nowhere.

Oh, and looking at the box, my names on it, what better reason to buy it!